Cătălina Stan

Apr 122017
 

The most philosophical conversation I’ve had with the hands fluttering in my eyes I’ve dreamed over 500 times by now was as follows .

” Are You My Subconscious ?” I asked .

” Maybe I am , maybe I am not ” , they answered
.
” What are your intentions ? ”

” I want to induce a certain vibratory emotion in your deep and subtle levels of your mind . It is related to the state of sleeping and the state of being awake . I am here to help . ”

” Get my sight back ?”

” Indeed . ”

” Why is it that I can’t see ?”

“It’s all sadness in your eyes . On top of that , you haven’t healed all that hatred that suffocates your heart . ”

” What I need to do to make it better ? ”

” Fall in love with someone . ”

” You seriously mean like really falling in love ? ”

” That is exactly right . ”

” But falling in love with a stranger or even worse someone imaginary is dangerous . Or even even worse , someone who doesn’t even know of your existence or doesn’t love you back .”

” True , it is extremely dangerous . So what ? ”

” Where should I go meet someone ? I can’t exactly go stalk a random dude on the street . Or come up with a list of names and pick someone from there . ”

” I never told you to go meet someone in person first , then fall in love afterwards . . However I would never allow You to fall in love with anyone who doesn’t live in the same dimension as you or who isn’t real . Every aspect of an experience makes sense to me , including love without possession . Even if it doesn’t do so for you . The clear eye sees life . ”

” This sounds too complicated . You could have told me to go to Thailand , Brazil or Hawaii to see a healer or a wizard of some sorts . It would have been a lot easier than falling in love with someone somewhere between the imaginary , dream and surreal . ”

” It is not even half as impossible as you might think to have and to hold . It is up to you to make it happen . It is up to you to make it real . I want you to have endless trust . Do I ask too much ? ”

” Yes , You ask too much of me . It is not like I haven’t made any effort so far . And I wasn’t able to make any difference . I feel intoxicated with hate as I was in day 1 . ”

” I offered you the antidote . Please take it . You will be grateful and thank me later . ”

” But why is it me who needs to do all this work ? Why can’t he simply knock at my door and take me away ? I sure would like someone making an effort to win my heart . ”

” And he is not ? Are you completely sure about that ? Haven’t I suggested you this already ? There should not be any difference between sleep and wake , but you choose to turn your back on the idea and refuse to rise to the occasion . Moreover , you got yourself arrested . You haven’t done your time yet . But because I knew you wouldn’t have patience and wait , I allowed you to experiment in a different way . And so you entered in the land of dreaming . ‘

‘ So that means you are someone who can push some buttons in my brain and simply restore my sight back without all this effort . ”

‘ I could . At a single sign of mine , I could fill your room with colors . But I want to see joy in your eyes . I want you to keep your head up no matter what . This is the frequency at which I want you to vibrate .

” But I want to know who is he , where and when I am going to meet him . And how . I do not want to make a mistake and fall in love with the wrong person . My heart simply couldn’t take the force of such a blow . ”

” Well , remember what I told You before? If things do not come naturally , please unsubscribe from me . And don’t forget to try to second the second pair of hands that you see over the night at least for a second every time you become aware of their presence . ”

Then I literary saw these two male hands erasing this ‘video’ from my eyes and fading into distance somewhere in a point between my eyebrows .

Well now , what a task . How does one fall in love with another one when they never loved before ? Does anyone have a tutorial for it ?

Apr 232016
 

Dear Readers,

If there is a thing that I am absolutely sure it will help me get my sight back and that is if I go back to Waterford, Ireland, the place that I lived for 5 months before the stroke that I suffered in November 2013. I thought about this many times, over and over again. What is that thing that I need that could truly help me ? And every time I think about it I get to this point.

I loved Ireland and I left Ireland too abruptly. And I honestly mean it when I say I loved the city I lived in. So many times I found myself bursting out in tears during my long walks on the narrow streets in Waterford, while looking at the buildings, the town houses, terrace houses, gardens, shops and people. I did not want to live it and I left it way too soon. Even after all this time since I left, I still feel myself in a huge percentage in shock about the idea that I left. The weirdest part is that I wasn’t even happy there, not with the person I was in a relationship with. However, even if that part was so difficult to bear back then, I truly and sincerely loved Ireland.

I believed with all my being that I was born to live in such a place, with such a rainy horrible weather. If there is one thing that I do know about myself is that I love rain and wind. The other thing that I know about myself, besides the fact that I am in shock, is the fact that I am full of regrets for not fully having taken the opportunity of having lived there. I know it’s too late for them. I could have done so much more while there, but I didn’t. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to come back. I would if I could. Tomorrow nonetheless. I left myself in that house. A huge part of me is there and not laying on the coach where I am now. I could, of course, even talk about the things I loved there, like my perfumes, my shoes, my clothes and even my underwear that I loved so much. But these are just things. Something else is missing. And that is the place itself. But maybe, let’s say, the thing that is missing is me in that place. It just felt right.

Once again, I know it would help me if I went back. If I cooked stuffed peppers in that old kitchen once again. If I ate chunky haddock with spicy wedges, cooked from frozen in the oven. If I drank a cup of coffee from Topaz once again. If I went shopping for food from Lidl and Tesco one last time. If I took a last visit to The Tower. If I went shopping for yarn at Pins and Needles. If I went to Woodstown to take a last walk on the beach.

If only I had the chance to say goodbye to that place. I did not think I wasn’t going to come back before the stroke. I did not think to look behind and say goodbye when looking out the window during my trip back home on the airplane, even though the whole time I told myself that I was finally saved from that horrible relationship I was in. I would go back to say goodbye.
The other thing that I know it would help me get my sight back is if I truly fall in love with someone. But I’m not going to go there at this point in time. And I feel that, if these two things happened around the same time, then…maybe…

No bioenergy was able to heal these deep wounds. I have no idea what can. My shrink talks about acceptance during each session. Acceptance is a virtue. Yesterday my sister read me a cute message: “I prefer an interesting vice to a boring virtue.” (Moliere) It looks like I’m going in circle, isn’t it? Falling in love with a guy —> trip to Ireland —> coffee in the morning —> all morning in underwear —> walk on the beach —> fish & chips —> listening to Grand Designs —> listening to the rain —> breathing fresh air all the time —> sight restored.

Life in Waterford, Ireland:

Be well,
Cătălina.

Dec 092015
 

Dear Readers,

It has been quite a long time since I last wrote something. This is the phrase that nearly all my posts start with. I apologize. I am taking back a few of the promises that I made during the last 2 years. Such as “I promise I will write more often”, “I promise I’ll make more videos.”, “I promise I’ll keep you guys updated.” I wasn’t able to keep any of them. And I excuse myself for what it looks like a lack of interest. I’m not lacking anything. It is just that I was not expecting many of the things that happened to me over the last 2 years to happen in the first place. And I do not mean the stroke that I suffered. I’m talking about a lot of the things that happened after the stroke.

I was suggested by my therapists to document everything that I go through either through writing or through videos. But what is it that I can document? I’m not doing anything. All I do is sit in silence in a corner and wait. And talk to myself. And go deeper inside my inner self. Sorry. I’m missing the point of my own article.

What I had in mind a year ago was to create a YouTube channel and talk about my experience as a blind person. It failed. Not because I didn’t try but because I believe I wasn’t necessarily supposed to talk about it because I have no interest in talking about myself all day.

It dawned on me on Sunday morning. Last Friday, my sister posted a video on my main channel on YouTube. The channel has 28k subscribers and many of them know about my story. It wasn’t video about crocheting, but one that showed me doing facial expressions. It was something very small and silly because I am a normal person too, not just a teacher that teaches other people about crocheting, nor a multitalented person expressing something artistic or whatever. I once watched a video showing one of my favorite YouTubers eating his cereals for 10 minutes. He did nothing else but that, while staring at the camera. It was something incredibly silly because it showed the human behind the artist and the teacher. So I enjoyed every second of it. But, in my case, a very small number of my subscribers watched it. Many of them disliked it and left some harsh comments, telling me I was humiliating myself. They asked me what was the purpose of the video and all sorts of other questions.

Sure, I was disappointed to hear what people think about a blind girl who lost so much and was left with very little opportunities. But the whole experience confirmed me something, something I began feeling many weeks, even months before this moment. I do not longer wish to make videos. Not about myself, in any case. I never wanted to make them. But I made them because I needed a job.

It is not that I cannot accept criticism. Only God knows how much criticism I’ve heard and have accepted over the last 20 years of my life. I’m just coming to realize … Jesus, I can’t stand it. It’s taking me 50 minutes to put a few words together to make sense. I can’t stand talking about myself any longer and this bloody English suffocates me. I seriously feel pain somewhere around the neck, where I know that my most dysfunctional chakra is. I’m losing interest in writing. Or in writing to get hits and likes. I’m losing interest in making these videos. Or better said in making them to get views, subscribers and money. And fame. I do not want any of them. I never wanted them.

Silly, silly Cătălina. People called you a multitalented person. Are you going to let all this talent go to waste? No, I want. But I’m just not going to focus on myself any longer. So I thought of something. The idea has been in the back of my mind for approximately 4 years. It is a non-profit organization meant to help little creators. I will not talk more about it right now because I don’t know what to talk about. It is only an idea. But to make sure that this is the right idea that I have to follow in my life, I asked my God to send me a 25$ donation through someone by the end of this week. It is the sign that I need and I will consider the 25$ dollars the first brick in the wall. It’s Wednesday. 4 more days and I will put an end to the nonsense in my life and will begin working on what I believe my purpose in this life is.

Anonymous_Face_Mask_Catalina_Stan

Fingers crossed,

Cătălina

Aug 072015
 

Dear Readers,

Today, at Jiko, I had quite a nice session with Mihaela, which followed another one that was by far the longest and most intense session so far. This happened yesterday and it lasted approx 2 h and 15 minutes altogether. She and I had a very nice conversation about life, consciousness, spirit and all sorts of other things.

“Why is it that you feel the need to tell me about the things that you are going through?”, she asked me.

“Let’s not forget I’m still human”, I said. “On different occasions, I’m still led by emotions. I have not found the power to control them yet. I mean…to be emotionless, that is. For example, the feelings of loneliness and abandonment were so overwhelming about a month, that I skipped two weeks of sessions and ran back home where at least I had the company of Pufi the Yorkie.”

“You did very well going back home, if that was what you felt like doing. However, that does not answer me the question. Or not exactly. You still feel the need to talk to someone about your experience. Why is that so?”, she tried yet again to make me go even deeper inside my being to find a proper answer.

Of course, now that I am awakened, many people expect me to behave and talk in a certain way. It is probably only perception. I’m sure Mihaela does not except anything from me.

“I will go back to the emotional body. Last year, when I started reiki, I thought I was a simple person. I remember well how, for a month or so, I stayed at a friend’s place who told me about the inner self, the illusion, meditation and so on. When he told me that Sensei was going to open the chakra that deals with sight I wanted to punch my good friend in the face. What is this nutter talking about? I asked myself many times. “

Mihaela started giggling and suggested me to continue the story.

“A month after that I was in the hospital behaving like a lunatic, sorry, I mean as if I was possessed. I was even sent to the psychiatric ward. The doctor there asked me if I was hearing voices. Of course, I would never say anything like that to a doctor. I came such a long way since then. And I did not talk to anyone about these things, except my mom and my sister. “

Mihaela gently placed her hand over my forehead. She did it in a very friendly and caring way and made me feel more at ease. A tear or two rolled over my cheek, which she removed.

“What I mean is that I miss human contact. I feel very lonely. “

“You not what is being said about life!? We spend it alone. We come here alone. We go through our journeys alone. We go away alone. “

“I know and understand that perfectly well. But I feel as if my friends are avoiding me. I’m not talking about those who are incredibly busy with work and such and have no time to come over. Even though it wouldn’t hurt them to at least call once in a while. I’m talking about those friends who live next door from me. And they simply do not bother. I know that everyone is going through their own shit. And I respect everyone’s time. And mood. But what kind of friend is that who knows about my situation and does not even answer my emails or messages and their excuse is that they do not know how to communicate with me. “ I sighed deeply and couldn’t stop my voice from showing regret and sadness.

“You know what?” Mihaela said. “You are in the best spot. On top of that there are no coincidences. When I started reiki, I stopped talking to some friends and some others stopped talking to me. But I met many other people that are more like me. It has got to do with the energetic body.”

“I am aware of that. I know that when you frequency and vibrations level up, you begin attracting different people who have similar ideas, thoughts and behavior as you. It’s the law of attraction. “

“That is exactly the point”, Mihaela confirmed me, “and because of that, you have no reason to be sad. And no regrets either. It simply means that these people are no longer needed in your life. “

“That is one hell of a way to get rid of some friends”, I thought to myself.

In any case, any conversation that I have with a therapist at Jiko makes me feel much better. I am still human.

Lonely

Be well,
Cătălina.

Jun 252015
 

Dear Readers,

Since I’ve started Reiki at the end of October 2014, all sorts of unusual and unexpected things have been happening to me. I won’t go into details. Not yet. Mostly because it is theory that I don’t completely understand. Not yet. But what I can honestly say is that I had underestimated the power of the energy transmitted during a Reiki session.
There is a bit that is quite important and it is easier to explain. The energy finds the blockages stoked inside my being, which are then surfaced and shown to me so that I become aware of them and of all the wrongs that they are doing. In time, I will describe these episodes into more detail. But yesterday afternoon, something very interesting happened to me and THAT is what I want to write about today.

While on the bus heading to Jiko clinic for my usual Reiki session, I was thinking about all sorts of causes that could block the 5th chakra located in the neck from functioning properly (it is the chakra that deals with communication, creativity, originality, self expression and hearing). For the past 6 weeks I have become aware of the entire energy in my body and not just the one flowing inside my brain, which feels wonderfully. However, everything happening from neck up is killing me. And I have wondered many times what could cause such damage.
But after taking a seat on the bus, unable to look through the window or understand what was happening around me, it dawned on me: for 14 years I’ve wanted to write a book.

On the bus

While on the bus

I am sure many want to write a book. But some do, some don’t. I know how to write a book, except that I’m not in the mood for it. Or I lack inspiration. Or time. Or I have something else better to do. Or I think that what I write is not good enough. Or I think no one would read me. Or I think that even if I write something it won’t be published. Or I believe that writing a book is too hard. Or that it will take me too long to write. But then I begin estimating: if I write 10 pages a day, then at the end of the month I will have 300 pages written down. That is what I can surely call a book. But what if I write 3 pages a day? Then in 6 moths a book of approx. 540 pages will be completed. But what if I write short stories instead? A short story should have around 2500-4000 words. THAT is something that I can write in a day! But writing short stories? Do I even understand what that means? I’d have to think about dozens and dozens of characters and scenarios and episodes and circumstances and situations and histories and only God knows what else I’d have to come up with. It is far too difficult. So I’m going back to the idea of writing a novel. But it looks like it is very popular nowadays to write prequels and sequels and sagas and etc. So what am I supposed to do now? Would I have to continue a story in a second book just for the sake of…what? Money? Or fame? Or…? I donno. But I do want to write a book. But how should I start? The beginning is the most important part of a book. If I don’t manage to make it appealing, then the book is lost right from the word go. Should I get inspiration from my life? Should it be comedy? Tragedy? Fantasy? Psychological? Thriller? Romantic? And what about the characters? Should they be kids? Teenagers? Young adults? Old people? Kings? Queens? Animals? Dragons? Spies? Political matters? I can’t even think straight. Should I write it I Romanian? I like my language but if I want to get published somewhere else, I’d better write it in English. But it’s not my native language! And I don’t know THAT many words. What if I end up sounding repetitive.

But all these thoughts have been my blockages for years. I can obviously call them excuses too. However, yesterday, while in the bus, I became aware of all them. Right away, I felt sharp stings inside my fingers and a powerful energy was discharged from my brain. This is a process that always happens when my being releases and eliminates toxic energy.

Getting off the bus, I told my sister that I have to write a book. But while coming back home and on the bus again I thought once more.

“I forgive myself for not having written this book yet. I won’t make the sole purpose of my life writing this book. If I do manage to write it, then congratulations to myself. If I don’t, then no harm done. I am doing what I can, how I can, when I can. “

My inner self smiled. Somehow I am becoming wiser.

Have a good week,
Cătălina.

Jun 172015
 

Dear Readers,

The things that I’m going to write about today are of such intimacy and privacy to me that I cannot believe myself that I decided to write about them. It was often suggested to me that I should talk to a shrink about them, but I refused. A while back, my sister read me an article which underlined the importance and the benefits of writing about different issues, especially during one’s healing journey.

During Monday’s reiki session, Miss Rodica, the therapist who has been treating me over the last 4 weeks, asked me how I had been. I wasn’t sure what to answer. I didn’t want to let her know the real state of mind I was in. And even if I had told her, I would have burst out crying in front of her. But the therapists at Jiko are not only very good practitioners, but good listeners and advisers as well. Because of that, I decided to be honest and confessed myself to her.

“So, so”, I told Miss Rodica. “I’m going through quite a huge emotional dilemma”.

“What is it about?”

“It is about the person who was the cause of my emotional shock that lead to my stroke”, I continued timidly, while lying on the bed and starting the session.

“Carry on, I’m listening.”

“I was barely able to stop myself from crying while in the bus getting here. But when I got off, I couldn’t keep them inside any longer. At first, I was crying softly and quietly, just drops of tears rolling down my cheeks. But thinking about everything that had happened I realized something very important: I was firmly convinced that I had understood what happened and that I had forgiven, but it’s not like that. I now know that I hate him. I became very aware of the feeling during the 12 minutes walk from the bus station to the clinic. I hate him. It is the only person in the world that I hate”, I confessed, rather relived that I had a chance to talk to someone about my emotional problem.

Miss Rodica gently placed her hands and forehead and tried to comfort me.

“It is a wonderful thing, to become aware of a feeling, even if it is a negative and strong one such as hate. But what it means is that you can heal now. It was about time the feeling and the issue were brought out to light as well”, she answered me wisely.

“I can feel the blockage around the heart. I am becoming more and more aware of all of them.”

She then placed her hands on my heart and chest and kept them there for the rest of the session.

“ It all started because of some money that was stuck on my old AdSense account that was created under his name. They were my earnings from my YouTube videos for November-December 2013. I asked my sister not to release them earlier because I didn’t want him to have them. But I wrote him and let him know that I was going to release them, since I needed them for living expenses and therapy while in Bucharest. He hasn’t answered. We know the money went into the bank account because it is information that can be checked online,” I then stopped telling my story and took a deep breath. The sadness became overwhelming.

“You better change the information so that he won’t get your money any longer”, Miss Rodica advised me.

“That is something my sister did right after I was released from the hospital in December 2013. And he wasn’t answering our emails regarding the same issue back then either. I was a fool because I took his side in defense until the last moment. I have not talked ever since.”

I then felt a grip inside my heart and my hands started shivering, especially on my left side of the body.

“I burst out in tears right in front of the clinic. I stopped walking and let my sister hug me. All this guy needed to do was to come talk to me during that stupid morning on the 1st of November. All he needed to do was to ask me if I were upset. It was as simple as that. And maybe I wouldn’t have been blind and deaf now. ”

“It’s ok. You can cry if you wish to”, Miss Rodica told me and she pressed her hands on my body even more, as if to hug me too.

At the end of the session, I felt somehow better. I now know what to work with and what is causing blockages. Maybe now I can finally close the chapter that Ireland was to me. Even so, I would rather believe that he died than that he is so evil and heartless for choosing to keep this money to himself even when he knows how much I need them. Then again, I’m talking about a person who did not seize to remind me that he doesn’t do guilt.

I made an approximation. My earnings would buy him 200 cups of coffee from Topaz or it would pay him his cable bill for 6 months.

“It looks like some humanity is dead,”
Cătălina.

Ireland

On the Shores of Waterford, Ireland

Jun 152015
 

Dear Readers,

It’s been exactly 3 months to this day since my good friend T. last allowed me to play his electric piano. Truth be told, it was a onetime only thing, so I haven’t touched any keys ever since. That is mostly because I have no talent.

“I’m not impressed, you are no Beethoven”, T. told me that day.

“I’m sorry, but who are you that I have to impress? I don’t even have to impress myself”, I answered wisely.

“I am the dragon amongst dragons”, he said.

“Oh, dear T., the dragon always gets his ass kicked in fairy tales”, I thought to myself.

Playing the electric piano

“I’m no pianist”, I was told

T. is the one who taught me about inner self, energy and spirituality and I believe he knows that I listened.

In any case, I am sure that the REAL reason that T. has not allowed me to play the piano is because he has no time to do so. We barely see each other once every few weeks. But, my dear friends, this is not even the reason that I’m writing this story today. So I’m going to get there right away.

After losing my hearing, I noticed that music has not been my best friend. I am a huge fan of rock music and now my brain is barely able to stand it. After my and my sister’s short stay at T.’s place last year, I noticed that the natural sound that his small musical instruments made did wonders for my ears. As such, I became very interested in listening to simple music played live, especially piano music. Taking piano classes is out of the question, mostly because of our tight budget. And … boy, they are expensive!

But going through all sorts of events taking place in Bucharest last week, the Big Red-Haired Fox found a piano concert which was to be held at the Romanian Athenaeum on the 9th of June, Tuesday, 19.00. We agreed to go, so she made reservations for the two of us. We were supposed to get there at 18.00 to get our tickets.That day we both dressed accordingly, with pretty, girly dresses and went to our reiki sessions. After which we took the bus and headed to the Athenaeum. We thought that the bus that we took was going to stop near the Faculty of Law. My sister and I were firmly convinced that the Athenaeum was 5 minutes away from it.

“What a beautiful building that is”, I thought, “and my sister is going to see it from the inside now. How lucky she is!”

You see, Dear Friends, I am a real sucker for architecture, especially if it is old. In any case, the 5 minutes walk took us forever. At some point we even crossed a street that I did not remember being there.

“What the hell is going on”, I started wondering.

Ana told me then that the bus turned right at some point and it did not go ahead, as we thought. So we had to get off somewhere else. In the end, we finally got to the Athenaeum.

“Take a seat here”, my sister told me. “I think I made a mistake”, she said worryingly.

“What’s up?” I asked already stressed out.

“I believe this is not the Athenaeum. I don’t see any name written anywhere”, she continued. Her voice sounded very frustrated. “I think this is the National Opera”.

I sighed deeply. At first, I became upset that my sister did not look for the address properly. But it only lasted a few seconds. I was firmly convinced myself that THAT was the Athenaeum as well. For years I have thought so. That’s why I couldn’t be upset with her for thinking the same.

“How could I have made such a mistake? I always look for the address beforehand”, I heard my sister muttering to herself.

She checked for the address and found that the Athenaeum was somewhere near the center of Bucharest. We agreed to take a cab, since we were running very late and had already lost our reservations. But do you think we got lucky? Of course, we didn’t. We were at a crossroad and there was no available cab anywhere. For a while, I felt as if I was in the desert searching for greenery and water, except I was in the jungle of concrete that Bucharest really is. Ana called three cab companies, but, yet again, there was no available cab.

“This can’t be happening”, I said. I was tired and disappointed and hungry and frustrated and stressed and overheated and … I’m sure you get the point. My body did not want to move anymore and somehow became locked.

“Listen to what your body is telling you”, I could hear my inner voice saying. “You are tired, do not force yourself”.

But, at first, I ignored my inner voice, since I really wanted to listen to piano music that evening. We took another bus and got off at University Square, in order to get to the Romanian Athenaeum, which was at a 10 minutes’ walk away from there. We still had time. But when I turned my body to move to that direction, I felt a pain like a grip inside my stomach and I knew right away that something wasn’t right.

“Ana, I want to go home.”

So we did. We took the bus and after 50 minutes we were home, at Costin Georgian subway station.

Interestingly enough, I was not upset that we missed the concert, but felt rather relived that I was at home, getting rest. There had been times when I felt more frustrated for a lot less, such as spilling water all over my clothes or something. Maybe I am getting wiser.

At home, sis checked to see if there would be other concerts and found another piano session taking place in a smaller hall room at the Athenaeum next Tuesday; she again reserved two seats.

“Next time we will know exactly what to do and where to go”, we both said in agreement.

But a quarter of hour later, looking for more events held in Bucharest, she found something absolutely interesting: a 10 days music film festival, including jazz music, piano, orchestra, violin, flute, opera, etc. taking place in the square outside the Romanian Athenaeum, between the 19th and the 29th , of June with free entrance.

“Ana, do you see how the Universe is taking care of us!?” I said in awe. “It did not allow us to spend 20 bucks on tickets and is giving us 10 days of free music instead.”

Can’t feel anything else but grateful. I’m looking forward to these concerts.

Happy day,
Cătălina.

Jun 072015
 

Dear Readers,

It’s been 18 months since I lost my sight completely. Ever since this event happened my perception of things has changed. I’m mostly talking about the perception given by visual images.

Le me and Derpina, my body is a cage

I don’t remember how I look like anymore. At times, I have flashes of images of myself, but if I were to describe myself now, I would not be able to. There are moments when I place my hands on my body, but even if I know it is there, I can’t describe it or even imagine it. Ok… This is my right leg. It’s short. There is no hair. I removed it this morning. I’m going up. This is a belly. It is very much reduced, but there is some of it left, though. I’m going up, but I will obviously avoid describing the perception that I have of my upper body parts. However, on numerous occasions my hands rest perfectly right there. But let me move on to the face. I have a pair of lips. There is a disgusting zit bellow the lower lip on the left. . But I get a zit or two once every few months, so it’s ok. Otherwise, I don’t feel anything else weird on my face. Does that mean it is healthy? I’m pinching my nose. I can’t describe its shape. I do remember that I have a small nose, though. There is a pair of eyes too. Their color and the length of my eyelashes are absolutely useless things now. But what about my hair? I have always hated having bangs. Yet, that’s how I’ve been wearing my hair for the past months. A lot of random body parts. So I’ll try to put them all together. Sorry, I still am unable to picture myself.

I remember that one day, at Jiko, when Miki, one of the therapists, asked me whether I had any perception of their physical appearance.

“Not really”, I said. “To me, every new person that I meet is an entity with a voice.”

“What do you mean?” she said.

“Well, the perception of physical bodies is not as strong as before losing my sight, unless people get VERY close to me, which seldom happens. I’m slowly forgetting the concept of body. I am even unaware of my own skin, in which I have to live.”

She did not answer me back.

“But how about Sensei”, she insisted. “Can you describe him?”

I thought for a moment or two and said:

“He is a GUY”, and stopped.

“Very good observation”, added Miki. “But is that all?”

I thought harder, gathered my thoughts and concluded:

“Yep, that’s pretty much all.”

Sometimes, when I meet a new person, we will shake hands. Other times, they will put their hands on my shoulders or on my back or even on my head. Quite often they will pinch my cheeks or my nose. There are times when people will bump into me on the streets, by mistake. Over the last five minutes I’ve been thinking of any other form of physical contact that I have with other people, but I believe that this is very much all of it (I’m excluding mom, dad and the big red haired fox) :). I do get hugs every now and then and some guys allow me to touch their faces which I love because they have beards.

Ok … So what do I want to say with this post? Nothing, really. I just wanted to write something, because I haven’t done so in 6 months.

Do you know what great four ways to get in contact with another human body, where everything will take shape, size, length, width and so on, especially when you are blind, are? They are: hugging, sports, dancing and love making. I am, of course, forgetting one other way, which is when someone is beating the crap out of you.

What is a body anyway?

Yours truly,
Cătălina

Apr 092015
 

Earlier today, I tell mom that last night I dreamed about Keanu Reeves.
“Do you know who he is?” I ask her.
“Of course, I know”, she answers.
Five minutes later I hear my mom laughing uncontrollably.
“What’s going on”, I exclaim.
Nothing. No answer, mom still laughing her butt off.
“What’s happening”, I repeat my question.
Sis then tells me that, while browsing a website, mom got to a video showing Keanu Reeves in the foreground. It was a short scene from the movie Matrix, the part where Neo goes to the Oracle. If you don’t remember or haven’t seen the movie, here is how the conversation went on:

***

The Oracle: You know why Morpheus has brought you to see me.
Neo: (nods)
The Oracle: So. . . What do you think?…Do you think you are the One?
Neo: Honestly, I don’t know.
The Oracle: You know what that means? (She points towards a board above the door.) It’s Latin. It means Know thyself. I’m going to let you on a little secret: being the One is just like being in love. No one can tell you that you are in love, you just know it. Through and through. Bones to bones. Well, I better have a look at you.

***

It’s funny, in a way. A few days back, I dreamed my own Oracle: an old, tall, thin guy, wearing a black hat and a pair of sunglasses. My father found him sitting on a bench and he brought me to see him. There was something unusual about the old man. And while looking at him, I thought he was either blind or deaf. I wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to prove myself or not. But all of a sudden, I began communicating through my mysterious sign language. He took a brief look at me, stopped me midway through and gave me the friendliest smile ever. He then said:
“You do not choose the energy. The energy chooses you.”

***

Four hours later, mom is still laughing.

Mar 032015
 

Dear Readers,

This is the first time that I write down an exercise with the purpose of helping other people. So, I apologize, in advance, if you find it sloppy and so on. However, it is an exercise that I made a week and a bit ago that helped me imagine and feel things. To make this work, all you need to do is to let yourself go. Here it goes.

If you are a woman, you are wearing a white dress, knee length. If you are a man, you are wearing a pair of white shorts and a white shirt. You both are not wearing anything underneath these clothes. You are wearing your favorite pair of shoes.

You find yourself at the foot of a hill. You look towards the crest of the hill, but can’t see what is up there. You see some paved stairs carved into the slope of the hill. Head towards these stairs.The stairs are narrow and there is no railing to support you. Start climbing the stairs. Do not look behind. Do not turn your head to the left or to the right. Do not count the number of stairs left. While going up the stairs, whenever you wish to, take a short break. Breathe in deeply. Take a seat on one of the stairs and take your shoes off. Do not get your sight distracted by anything else but the stairs and your shoes, which you leave behind. Now feel the warmth of the pavement with your bare feet. You feel your feet practically roasting. Do not feel the need to go back to your shoes and put them back on. Do not get off the stairs onto the grass near them. Instead continue climbing the stairs while your feet are burning. Keep your pace, do not climb the stairs faster to shorten the time.

You reach the top of the stairs. Do not rush to walk onto the grass. Take another deep breath. Gaze into the horizon. Take a deeper look at your surroundings. You notice a tree with thick branches in the middle of the crest. Again, do not rush to head towards the tree to escape the sun’s heat. Make a step forward and step onto the grass. Feel the coolness of the grass on your feet. Hover your right foot over the grass. Do the same with your left one. Feel the tips of the grass tickling your feet. Stop and take another deep breath. Head towards the tree. Once again, do not get distracted by your surroundings. Stop when you find yourself about 10m away from the tree. Take a closer look at the trunk of the tree and its branches and leaves. Do not let the thought of the tree being beautiful or even much older than you cross your mind. You notice the tree’s shadow taking shape over the grass. You also notice your own shadow. Continue looking at the shadows only. Lift your right arm to reach the tree’s branches, in the shadow. Your real hand does not actually reach the branches, but your shadow hand manages to “touch” the outside twigs. A breeze of air starts rocking the branches. The shadows get closer. Do not feel scared and do not take your hand away. Let it get buried between the shadow branches.

After a moment, put your right hand down. Take another deep breath. Continue walking towards the tree and take a seat on the grass beneath the tree. Lay over the grass. Turn your head to your right. That’s the way you came from. You notice a small village with white houses stretching at the foot of the hill. You hear a faint buzz coming from that side of the hill. Do not let your mind be trapped with your daily chores, routine, and other mundane things, now that you have a glimpse of humanity.

Turn your head to the left. Look at the hills and valleys that mingle into the faraway, one after another, after another…do not count them. Follow the trace of their shape with your eye…a continuous curved line. When you finish following this line, turn your head up. Look at the rays of the sun shining among the branches of the tree. The wind continues to blow gently between the leaves. Lift both your arms and pick two leaves that you like with your fingers. Do not lose sight of these two leaves. Move your arms and fingers along with the leaves, as the wind blows.

Meanwhile, a bug crawls on your leg. Do not get distracted from the leaves and do not feel disgust. Do not turn your head away to look at the bug and see what kind it is. Feel its tiny feet on your skin and let it crawl on your leg until it crosses it and goes back into the grass.

All of a sudden, you feel the air cooling, the wind blowing harder, the tree’s branches begin to shiver. Take a look to your right again. Notice that black clouds are storming around and gathering into the faraway. Hear the thunder’s howling. Take notice of the light surrounding you fading away. It’s getting darker and the storm is approaching. Do not panic. Do not be tempted to run away in fear and hide in a safe place. Continue laying on the grass and wait for whatever it might come. The tree is your only shelter. The air is getting cooler and cooler. Feel its breeze on your skin. Allow the wind to cover a quarter of you with leaves, dust and twigs. Do not forget that your arms are still dancing with the tree’s leaves, now in a more alert rhythm.

A big rain droplet falls on your right cheek. More of them start falling on your legs, clothes, arms, face and hair. Put your arms down. Continue looking up. See the sky between the branches. See the dark clouds right above you. See the drops of rain fall. Ignore everything else around you, except for these droplets. Forget about the coordinates of time and space. Focus only on these drops. See how these round, clear drops of water fall slowly from the clouds. See how some drops smash into the branches and leaves and how they lose their shape, how they never make it to the ground. Observe how many other more slip and fall between the leaves. Look at their shape. Freeze time and space. Look at the thousands of drops, now frozen. See the small or big spheres of water, pick a few of them and look right through the matter they are made of.

Unfreeze time and space. Let the droplets fall down on you. More and more of them are coming. Close your eyes. Do nothing else but feel. Feel the water washing you. Feel your body being buried in the ground. Feel the grass. Feel how your clothes are soaking wet. Feel the leaves imprinted on your skin. Feel the dust turn muddy. Do not think of the white clothes getting dirty. Let them. Do nothing but feel. Feel the smell of the rain. Mingle with nature. Allow yourself to be a part of it.

Your eyes are still closed. Once you feel the fall of these drops slow down, open your eyes. Look at the clear sky at your right and left. Look up as the tree’s branches are being revived. Look at the grass now freshened up. Look into the horizon. Hear it breathe in, breathe out. Do the same as well. Enjoy the peace.

Get up and stretch. Look towards the place you laid on. Notice the shape of your body imprinted in the grass. Head back towards the stairs. While going down the stairs, decide whether getting your shoes back is important or not. At the foot of the hill take a last look at the crest. Breathe in and breathe out deeply one more time.

And now, my friends, it is very much up to you what kind of BS you are willing to get back with you and carry it /them inside your mind every day.

One tree hill, exercise the power of your mind, imagination and feelings

Random Tree

With love,
Cătălina.