Apr 232016
 

Dear Readers,

If there is a thing that I am absolutely sure it will help me get my sight back and that is if I go back to Waterford, Ireland, the place that I lived for 5 months before the stroke that I suffered in November 2013. I thought about this many times, over and over again. What is that thing that I need that could truly help me ? And every time I think about it I get to this point.

I loved Ireland and I left Ireland too abruptly. And I honestly mean it when I say I loved the city I lived in. So many times I found myself bursting out in tears during my long walks on the narrow streets in Waterford, while looking at the buildings, the town houses, terrace houses, gardens, shops and people. I did not want to live it and I left it way too soon. Even after all this time since I left, I still feel myself in a huge percentage in shock about the idea that I left. The weirdest part is that I wasn’t even happy there, not with the person I was in a relationship with. However, even if that part was so difficult to bear back then, I truly and sincerely loved Ireland.

I believed with all my being that I was born to live in such a place, with such a rainy horrible weather. If there is one thing that I do know about myself is that I love rain and wind. The other thing that I know about myself, besides the fact that I am in shock, is the fact that I am full of regrets for not fully having taken the opportunity of having lived there. I know it’s too late for them. I could have done so much more while there, but I didn’t. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to come back. I would if I could. Tomorrow nonetheless. I left myself in that house. A huge part of me is there and not laying on the coach where I am now. I could, of course, even talk about the things I loved there, like my perfumes, my shoes, my clothes and even my underwear that I loved so much. But these are just things. Something else is missing. And that is the place itself. But maybe, let’s say, the thing that is missing is me in that place. It just felt right.

Once again, I know it would help me if I went back. If I cooked stuffed peppers in that old kitchen once again. If I ate chunky haddock with spicy wedges, cooked from frozen in the oven. If I drank a cup of coffee from Topaz once again. If I went shopping for food from Lidl and Tesco one last time. If I took a last visit to The Tower. If I went shopping for yarn at Pins and Needles. If I went to Woodstown to take a last walk on the beach.

If only I had the chance to say goodbye to that place. I did not think I wasn’t going to come back before the stroke. I did not think to look behind and say goodbye when looking out the window during my trip back home on the airplane, even though the whole time I told myself that I was finally saved from that horrible relationship I was in. I would go back to say goodbye.
The other thing that I know it would help me get my sight back is if I truly fall in love with someone. But I’m not going to go there at this point in time. And I feel that, if these two things happened around the same time, then…maybe…

No bioenergy was able to heal these deep wounds. I have no idea what can. My shrink talks about acceptance during each session. Acceptance is a virtue. Yesterday my sister read me a cute message: “I prefer an interesting vice to a boring virtue.” (Moliere) It looks like I’m going in circle, isn’t it? Falling in love with a guy —> trip to Ireland —> coffee in the morning —> all morning in underwear —> walk on the beach —> fish & chips —> listening to Grand Designs —> listening to the rain —> breathing fresh air all the time —> sight restored.

Life in Waterford, Ireland:

Be well,
Cătălina.

  2 Responses to “If only…then maybe…”

  1. Cătălina I am really touched by your description and need to go back. I feel as if I tasted your coffee, felt the sea breeze and got wet by the rain.

  2. hi, maybe you really should go back to Ireland. get it out from your system. Maybe then you wont feel the Ireland weight in your heart. Maybe you should just get it over and done with.

    Reading your post, it is as if I feel the weight of your heart in mine. If only it can be lifted up from you heart easily…hmmm..

    Best wishes and good luck!

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