It has been quite a long time since I last wrote something. This is the phrase that nearly all my posts start with. I apologize. I am taking back a few of the promises that I made during the last 2 years. Such as “I promise I will write more often”, “I promise I’ll make more videos.”, “I promise I’ll keep you guys updated.” I wasn’t able to keep any of them. And I excuse myself for what it looks like a lack of interest. I’m not lacking anything. It is just that I was not expecting many of the things that happened to me over the last 2 years to happen in the first place. And I do not mean the stroke that I suffered. I’m talking about a lot of the things that happened after the stroke.
I was suggested by my therapists to document everything that I go through either through writing or through videos. But what is it that I can document? I’m not doing anything. All I do is sit in silence in a corner and wait. And talk to myself. And go deeper inside my inner self. Sorry. I’m missing the point of my own article.
What I had in mind a year ago was to create a YouTube channel and talk about my experience as a blind person. It failed. Not because I didn’t try but because I believe I wasn’t necessarily supposed to talk about it because I have no interest in talking about myself all day.
It dawned on me on Sunday morning. Last Friday, my sister posted a video on my main channel on YouTube. The channel has 28k subscribers and many of them know about my story. It wasn’t video about crocheting, but one that showed me doing facial expressions. It was something very small and silly because I am a normal person too, not just a teacher that teaches other people about crocheting, nor a multitalented person expressing something artistic or whatever. I once watched a video showing one of my favorite YouTubers eating his cereals for 10 minutes. He did nothing else but that, while staring at the camera. It was something incredibly silly because it showed the human behind the artist and the teacher. So I enjoyed every second of it. But, in my case, a very small number of my subscribers watched it. Many of them disliked it and left some harsh comments, telling me I was humiliating myself. They asked me what was the purpose of the video and all sorts of other questions.
Sure, I was disappointed to hear what people think about a blind girl who lost so much and was left with very little opportunities. But the whole experience confirmed me something, something I began feeling many weeks, even months before this moment. I do not longer wish to make videos. Not about myself, in any case. I never wanted to make them. But I made them because I needed a job.
It is not that I cannot accept criticism. Only God knows how much criticism I’ve heard and have accepted over the last 20 years of my life. I’m just coming to realize … Jesus, I can’t stand it. It’s taking me 50 minutes to put a few words together to make sense. I can’t stand talking about myself any longer and this bloody English suffocates me. I seriously feel pain somewhere around the neck, where I know that my most dysfunctional chakra is. I’m losing interest in writing. Or in writing to get hits and likes. I’m losing interest in making these videos. Or better said in making them to get views, subscribers and money. And fame. I do not want any of them. I never wanted them.
Silly, silly Cătălina. People called you a multitalented person. Are you going to let all this talent go to waste? No, I want. But I’m just not going to focus on myself any longer. So I thought of something. The idea has been in the back of my mind for approximately 4 years. It is a non-profit organization meant to help little creators. I will not talk more about it right now because I don’t know what to talk about. It is only an idea. But to make sure that this is the right idea that I have to follow in my life, I asked my God to send me a 25$ donation through someone by the end of this week. It is the sign that I need and I will consider the 25$ dollars the first brick in the wall. It’s Wednesday. 4 more days and I will put an end to the nonsense in my life and will begin working on what I believe my purpose in this life is.