“I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking that maybe six feet ain’t so far down”. There are times in life when you go through events that make you, quite literally, feel like you just hit the ground. I once described this feeling as if life kicks you in the butt so hard and pushes you off a tower building. While you can’t stop the fall and wait to hit the ground, you can’t also stop hearing life’s voice laughing behind your back and telling you: “You fool!” Sometimes you would lay there on the pavement, broken into thousands of pieces, disintegrated.
For those of us who are faint of heart, a fall like this is catastrophic. I believe the wrong in these circumstances lays in the fact that we expect to pick every little broken piece and glue them together once again, so we can go back to the things we are sure they define us as people. We seldom think, during a fall like this, that we don’t have to pick up each and every piece of ourselves and that we have the chance to leave the unnecessary pieces behind and, if we only choose the right pieces, then we would get up from the ground a lot faster and feel much lighter as well. Surely, I am talking about life events such as loosing a job, going through a break-up, or a divorce, illness, loosing a loved one and so on.
I started this blog to point out the fact that I have been laying on the ground for far too long, feeling crushed, humiliated and terrified, blaming myself for all sorts of things, when in fact there was nothing wrong with the things I wanted. There was nothing wrong with me, really. Even after a year since the stroke, I still want the same things. I still want my own little place, mostly so I can paint the walls however I want, so I can move furniture around at 4 a.m in the morning, so I can build shelves whenever I want. I still want loneliness, not because I don’t like people, but because sometimes silence makes up for a thousand words. On top of that, I wouldn’t dislike being alone while running around butt naked in my own little place. This idea goes hand in hand with my desire for privacy and intimacy. I still want to get up from my small desk/office whenever I feel like and do a handstand against the wall. I often took my shoes off and stood on the tip of my toes (just like Rose in “Titanic”). I still want things, inappropriate things :), deemed as inappropriate by society. I still want to cross the mountains and touch the sky. I still believe the world is my own oyster. I still believe in myself and in my ideas. And if other people don’t believe in me, then that’s their effin’ problem. ‘Cause, if there is something that my fall has taught me, it is the fact that I should free myself from the burden of having to make other people happy at the cost of my own happiness. At the same time, I am releasing everyone else from the duty of having to please me or make me happy as well.
I’m leaving the 50 shades of Cătălina behind.
I just want to be free.
I’m not scared of falling anymore.