Cătălina Stan

What if I want to keep my heart open ?

 The Dreamer  No Responses »
Sep 122019
 

”You are my girlfriend and I seriously need your advice on something” , said John the Wolf to me a few days back . ”I am just about to buy this expensive technology which I think will help me learn more about my body and heal it eventualy . I am veery nervous and excited about this purchase and I need you to tell me whether I need it or not !” , he added .
”Which of the two meanings of the word girlfriend did you refer to when you called me your girlfriend ?” I asked , as if to say , ”I am sorry ,but the rest of your sentence does not show any importance to me .”
”What do you mean ?” he said back .
”Nevermind” , I answered , ”Let us not get involved into a conversation about linguistics and meaning of words .”
”I meant to say that you are a friend of mine and that I treasure your opinion” , he explained shortly afterwards .
”Good” , I confirmed , ”Because I gave my heart away to the one I have been dreaming for since forever” , I cleared it all out .
”He will go away once you fully recover your eyesight , I am fully convinced about it .”
”What if I do not want him to go away ? What if I want him to come in ?”
”I think you should not give your heart away to idealistic dreams which may never come true . Maybe you should keep your heart closed to such thoughts , scenarios and dreams .”
”But what if I want to keep it open ? What if the Universe is actually magic ? Why not believe in magic ?”
”I will make you my girlfriend once our paths will cross again , even if that means I will have to fight against demons in hell .”
”Doing so would be a crime against the woman you trully belong to and who„s voice I hear late at night saying to me , ”I beg of you , bring my man back” , which is why I would never dare to steal away another woman„s soulmate . This is a lesson I learned the hard way .”
”No matter what I will make you mine for I am sure you are my soulmate !”
”Trust me , in 10 years time yu will thank me for having kept you at a distance , even though you may come to hate me in the meantime . If my one and only is not him , the one I have dreamed of , then no one else is . I will wait for him to knock at my door for as long as possible , at the risk of staying single for the rest of my life and raising cats instead of children !”

Don’t reject the Little Boy

 The Dreamer  No Responses »
Mar 012018
 

Dear Reader,

I had the following dream some time ago that I want to mention . I was back to school , sitting at my old desk , surounded by many of my friends , people I know or heard of . We were all adults. Then a man entered the classroom . He was holding a small boy’s hand who seemed to suffer from a slight mental disability . His father asked us not to reject his son and allow him to act freely among us in order to observe the little boy’s behaviour in the context with other people . We all agreed to do as such . So the boy began to walk between the desks , stopping in front of each of us .

‘What is war ?’ , he would ask us .

But many of us did not know what to answer or gave sloppy , misleading answers . To which the boy reacted with a large and friendly hug given to each of us .

‘What is war ?’ , he asked me as well , when my turn came . And what a lucid and conscious look this boy had when he looked right into my eyes and asked his question .

I grabbed my puffy elastic hair band and showed it to him .

‘Hold this onto the other side and pull as hard as you can . And tell me that it is yours ‘ , I said to him .

And so he did , but as he was pulling towards him , I began pulling the hair band towards me .

‘No , this is mine ‘ , I said .

Taken by surprise , the boy turned to a slightly more angry look and feelings . His instinct told him that the hair band was something he wanted and should have at any cost . That being said , we both began pulling the band as if we both had lost our minds , both blinded by anger , fury and ego . None of us was willing to let go of the unvaluable hairband . A minute after , I stopped pulling and so did he .

‘Kid , war is wnen two people want the same thing and no one wants to let go . Do you understand what I mean ?’ , I offered my explanation to the little participant .

‘Yes , I think I do understand ‘ , he replied .

After which he gave me a kiss on my cheek instead of a hug .

I woke up shortly after . I did not give any interpretation to my dream . But I surely would like children to never find out the true meaning of war .

My First Steps Into Realm Of Lucid Dreaming

 Le Me, The Stoned Philosopher  2 Responses »
Feb 222018
 

Dear Reader ,

There is no doubt that I am one of those few very lucky people who enter into the realm of lucid dreaming spontaneously , with absolutely no prior knowledge of this field , no practice and no awareness whatsoever . This is completely my case . Even if I did not show any interest in the ability of lucid dreaming for years and years , I woke myself up all of a sudden experimenting the phenomena of lucid dreaming . To keep things short , I would describe lucid dreaming as the ability of one’s mind to remain awake after the physical body shuts down its processes and functions when going to sleep . But the subject is so wide , that I am only going to point out only a few details that are happening to me .

I began having lucid dreams shortly after my stroke that I suffered in November 2013 . I had no idea back then that this field existed and that it was studied and everything . They somehow were my refuge , an understandable fact given my circumstances and the severe trauma I was going through . I mean being deprived of three physical senses out of five , two of them being undeniably extremely important for surviving in this jungle called life . Losing both my sight and hearing was like cutting me completely from the perception of my own body . So I was left alone with my spirit , which is this ‘thing’ that has nothing in common with senses and so on . For months, in 2014, the only thing I cared was to make it through the day and get to the night , when the miracles happened .

Lucid dreaming has intensified since August 2015 . Now I have moments of lucidity in my dreams that last from five minutes up to two hours nearly every night . But I came to realize in time that the major factor that triggers my lucidity in my dreams is the fact that I don’t see . This is the detail recorded in my subconscious mind which is sending me dream signals to wake me up . What I mean to say is that I know at a subconscious level that I do not see during the day , whereas I do during the night . I carry this knowledge with me in my dreams . So late at night , when everyone around goes to sleep and I do too , I open my eyes after closing them for sleep and usually remember everything there is . My full name , the fact that I lost my sight four years ago , how I went to bed , how long it took me to fall asleep , what I had for dinner , what music I listened earlier , what methods and tips I studied that day or week to improve the dream I just woke myself into .

Quite often I experiment complete and full lucidity . When this occurs , I begin exploring the endless power and miracles residing in my own mind . And , oh , dear Lord , the wonders there . How many times I wandered around freely inside my mind , visiting castles and ancient sacred temples , which are a very frequent motif in my dreams . I went to the moon and came back , I walked on the sun and looked at its light without burning my eyes . I talked to giants who travelled with me through mystical forests only to get to more fabulous , gorgeous and fantastic palaces either in the skies , on the lands or under the water . And the ladies and the gentlemen living there , shining brightly in their white clothes , looking more like the angels from above than characters imagined by my mind alone .

I wish my vocabulary was rich enough to describe the things I consciously see during my dreams . But I can’t for the moment . All I know is that I got to this point where I no longer want to wake myself up from my dreams . And it is not because I hate life so much that I can’t even stand being alive . No , my dear friends . What I mean to say is that I received this divine gift in exchange for my physical sight , which is the ability to imagine . Imagination with no boundaries , pure , bright and conscious imagination , power to create endless scenarios and possibilities . Is it worth having lost my sight ? Yes , it is . However I am not absurd . The image bellow constantly reminds me that I do need to get my sight back in order to survive the jungle called life . And the other photo reminds me that heaven is a place called Earth .

A Candidate To Fall In Love With, Anyone?

 Quickies  1 Response »
Apr 122017
 

The most philosophical conversation I’ve had with the hands fluttering in my eyes I’ve dreamed over 500 times by now was as follows .

” Are You My Subconscious ?” I asked .

” Maybe I am , maybe I am not ” , they answered
.
” What are your intentions ? ”

” I want to induce a certain vibratory emotion in your deep and subtle levels of your mind . It is related to the state of sleeping and the state of being awake . I am here to help . ”

” Get my sight back ?”

” Indeed . ”

” Why is it that I can’t see ?”

“It’s all sadness in your eyes . On top of that , you haven’t healed all that hatred that suffocates your heart . ”

” What I need to do to make it better ? ”

” Fall in love with someone . ”

” You seriously mean like really falling in love ? ”

” That is exactly right . ”

” But falling in love with a stranger or even worse someone imaginary is dangerous . Or even even worse , someone who doesn’t even know of your existence or doesn’t love you back .”

” True , it is extremely dangerous . So what ? ”

” Where should I go meet someone ? I can’t exactly go stalk a random dude on the street . Or come up with a list of names and pick someone from there . ”

” I never told you to go meet someone in person first , then fall in love afterwards . . However I would never allow You to fall in love with anyone who doesn’t live in the same dimension as you or who isn’t real . Every aspect of an experience makes sense to me , including love without possession . Even if it doesn’t do so for you . The clear eye sees life . ”

” This sounds too complicated . You could have told me to go to Thailand , Brazil or Hawaii to see a healer or a wizard of some sorts . It would have been a lot easier than falling in love with someone somewhere between the imaginary , dream and surreal . ”

” It is not even half as impossible as you might think to have and to hold . It is up to you to make it happen . It is up to you to make it real . I want you to have endless trust . Do I ask too much ? ”

” Yes , You ask too much of me . It is not like I haven’t made any effort so far . And I wasn’t able to make any difference . I feel intoxicated with hate as I was in day 1 . ”

” I offered you the antidote . Please take it . You will be grateful and thank me later . ”

” But why is it me who needs to do all this work ? Why can’t he simply knock at my door and take me away ? I sure would like someone making an effort to win my heart . ”

” And he is not ? Are you completely sure about that ? Haven’t I suggested you this already ? There should not be any difference between sleep and wake , but you choose to turn your back on the idea and refuse to rise to the occasion . Moreover , you got yourself arrested . You haven’t done your time yet . But because I knew you wouldn’t have patience and wait , I allowed you to experiment in a different way . And so you entered in the land of dreaming . ‘

‘ So that means you are someone who can push some buttons in my brain and simply restore my sight back without all this effort . ”

‘ I could . At a single sign of mine , I could fill your room with colors . But I want to see joy in your eyes . I want you to keep your head up no matter what . This is the frequency at which I want you to vibrate .

” But I want to know who is he , where and when I am going to meet him . And how . I do not want to make a mistake and fall in love with the wrong person . My heart simply couldn’t take the force of such a blow . ”

” Well , remember what I told You before? If things do not come naturally , please unsubscribe from me . And don’t forget to try to second the second pair of hands that you see over the night at least for a second every time you become aware of their presence . ”

Then I literary saw these two male hands erasing this ‘video’ from my eyes and fading into distance somewhere in a point between my eyebrows .

Well now , what a task . How does one fall in love with another one when they never loved before ? Does anyone have a tutorial for it ?

If only…then maybe…

 BitterSweet  2 Responses »
Apr 232016
 

Dear Readers,

If there is a thing that I am absolutely sure it will help me get my sight back and that is if I go back to Waterford, Ireland, the place that I lived for 5 months before the stroke that I suffered in November 2013. I thought about this many times, over and over again. What is that thing that I need that could truly help me ? And every time I think about it I get to this point.

I loved Ireland and I left Ireland too abruptly. And I honestly mean it when I say I loved the city I lived in. So many times I found myself bursting out in tears during my long walks on the narrow streets in Waterford, while looking at the buildings, the town houses, terrace houses, gardens, shops and people. I did not want to live it and I left it way too soon. Even after all this time since I left, I still feel myself in a huge percentage in shock about the idea that I left. The weirdest part is that I wasn’t even happy there, not with the person I was in a relationship with. However, even if that part was so difficult to bear back then, I truly and sincerely loved Ireland.

I believed with all my being that I was born to live in such a place, with such a rainy horrible weather. If there is one thing that I do know about myself is that I love rain and wind. The other thing that I know about myself, besides the fact that I am in shock, is the fact that I am full of regrets for not fully having taken the opportunity of having lived there. I know it’s too late for them. I could have done so much more while there, but I didn’t. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to come back. I would if I could. Tomorrow nonetheless. I left myself in that house. A huge part of me is there and not laying on the coach where I am now. I could, of course, even talk about the things I loved there, like my perfumes, my shoes, my clothes and even my underwear that I loved so much. But these are just things. Something else is missing. And that is the place itself. But maybe, let’s say, the thing that is missing is me in that place. It just felt right.

Once again, I know it would help me if I went back. If I cooked stuffed peppers in that old kitchen once again. If I ate chunky haddock with spicy wedges, cooked from frozen in the oven. If I drank a cup of coffee from Topaz once again. If I went shopping for food from Lidl and Tesco one last time. If I took a last visit to The Tower. If I went shopping for yarn at Pins and Needles. If I went to Woodstown to take a last walk on the beach.

If only I had the chance to say goodbye to that place. I did not think I wasn’t going to come back before the stroke. I did not think to look behind and say goodbye when looking out the window during my trip back home on the airplane, even though the whole time I told myself that I was finally saved from that horrible relationship I was in. I would go back to say goodbye.
The other thing that I know it would help me get my sight back is if I truly fall in love with someone. But I’m not going to go there at this point in time. And I feel that, if these two things happened around the same time, then…maybe…

No bioenergy was able to heal these deep wounds. I have no idea what can. My shrink talks about acceptance during each session. Acceptance is a virtue. Yesterday my sister read me a cute message: “I prefer an interesting vice to a boring virtue.” (Moliere) It looks like I’m going in circle, isn’t it? Falling in love with a guy —> trip to Ireland —> coffee in the morning —> all morning in underwear —> walk on the beach —> fish & chips —> listening to Grand Designs —> listening to the rain —> breathing fresh air all the time —> sight restored.

Life in Waterford, Ireland:

Be well,
Cătălina.

The beginning is the end is the end is the beginning

 BitterSweet  6 Responses »
Dec 092015
 

Dear Readers,

It has been quite a long time since I last wrote something. This is the phrase that nearly all my posts start with. I apologize. I am taking back a few of the promises that I made during the last 2 years. Such as “I promise I will write more often”, “I promise I’ll make more videos.”, “I promise I’ll keep you guys updated.” I wasn’t able to keep any of them. And I excuse myself for what it looks like a lack of interest. I’m not lacking anything. It is just that I was not expecting many of the things that happened to me over the last 2 years to happen in the first place. And I do not mean the stroke that I suffered. I’m talking about a lot of the things that happened after the stroke.

I was suggested by my therapists to document everything that I go through either through writing or through videos. But what is it that I can document? I’m not doing anything. All I do is sit in silence in a corner and wait. And talk to myself. And go deeper inside my inner self. Sorry. I’m missing the point of my own article.

What I had in mind a year ago was to create a YouTube channel and talk about my experience as a blind person. It failed. Not because I didn’t try but because I believe I wasn’t necessarily supposed to talk about it because I have no interest in talking about myself all day.

It dawned on me on Sunday morning. Last Friday, my sister posted a video on my main channel on YouTube. The channel has 28k subscribers and many of them know about my story. It wasn’t video about crocheting, but one that showed me doing facial expressions. It was something very small and silly because I am a normal person too, not just a teacher that teaches other people about crocheting, nor a multitalented person expressing something artistic or whatever. I once watched a video showing one of my favorite YouTubers eating his cereals for 10 minutes. He did nothing else but that, while staring at the camera. It was something incredibly silly because it showed the human behind the artist and the teacher. So I enjoyed every second of it. But, in my case, a very small number of my subscribers watched it. Many of them disliked it and left some harsh comments, telling me I was humiliating myself. They asked me what was the purpose of the video and all sorts of other questions.

Sure, I was disappointed to hear what people think about a blind girl who lost so much and was left with very little opportunities. But the whole experience confirmed me something, something I began feeling many weeks, even months before this moment. I do not longer wish to make videos. Not about myself, in any case. I never wanted to make them. But I made them because I needed a job.

It is not that I cannot accept criticism. Only God knows how much criticism I’ve heard and have accepted over the last 20 years of my life. I’m just coming to realize … Jesus, I can’t stand it. It’s taking me 50 minutes to put a few words together to make sense. I can’t stand talking about myself any longer and this bloody English suffocates me. I seriously feel pain somewhere around the neck, where I know that my most dysfunctional chakra is. I’m losing interest in writing. Or in writing to get hits and likes. I’m losing interest in making these videos. Or better said in making them to get views, subscribers and money. And fame. I do not want any of them. I never wanted them.

Silly, silly Cătălina. People called you a multitalented person. Are you going to let all this talent go to waste? No, I want. But I’m just not going to focus on myself any longer. So I thought of something. The idea has been in the back of my mind for approximately 4 years. It is a non-profit organization meant to help little creators. I will not talk more about it right now because I don’t know what to talk about. It is only an idea. But to make sure that this is the right idea that I have to follow in my life, I asked my God to send me a 25$ donation through someone by the end of this week. It is the sign that I need and I will consider the 25$ dollars the first brick in the wall. It’s Wednesday. 4 more days and I will put an end to the nonsense in my life and will begin working on what I believe my purpose in this life is.

Anonymous_Face_Mask_Catalina_Stan

Fingers crossed,

Cătălina

I am in The Best Spot

 BitterSweet  No Responses »
Aug 072015
 

Dear Readers,

Today, at Jiko, I had quite a nice session with Mihaela, which followed another one that was by far the longest and most intense session so far. This happened yesterday and it lasted approx 2 h and 15 minutes altogether. She and I had a very nice conversation about life, consciousness, spirit and all sorts of other things.

“Why is it that you feel the need to tell me about the things that you are going through?”, she asked me.

“Let’s not forget I’m still human”, I said. “On different occasions, I’m still led by emotions. I have not found the power to control them yet. I mean…to be emotionless, that is. For example, the feelings of loneliness and abandonment were so overwhelming about a month, that I skipped two weeks of sessions and ran back home where at least I had the company of Pufi the Yorkie.”

“You did very well going back home, if that was what you felt like doing. However, that does not answer me the question. Or not exactly. You still feel the need to talk to someone about your experience. Why is that so?”, she tried yet again to make me go even deeper inside my being to find a proper answer.

Of course, now that I am awakened, many people expect me to behave and talk in a certain way. It is probably only perception. I’m sure Mihaela does not except anything from me.

“I will go back to the emotional body. Last year, when I started reiki, I thought I was a simple person. I remember well how, for a month or so, I stayed at a friend’s place who told me about the inner self, the illusion, meditation and so on. When he told me that Sensei was going to open the chakra that deals with sight I wanted to punch my good friend in the face. What is this nutter talking about? I asked myself many times. “

Mihaela started giggling and suggested me to continue the story.

“A month after that I was in the hospital behaving like a lunatic, sorry, I mean as if I was possessed. I was even sent to the psychiatric ward. The doctor there asked me if I was hearing voices. Of course, I would never say anything like that to a doctor. I came such a long way since then. And I did not talk to anyone about these things, except my mom and my sister. “

Mihaela gently placed her hand over my forehead. She did it in a very friendly and caring way and made me feel more at ease. A tear or two rolled over my cheek, which she removed.

“What I mean is that I miss human contact. I feel very lonely. “

“You not what is being said about life!? We spend it alone. We come here alone. We go through our journeys alone. We go away alone. “

“I know and understand that perfectly well. But I feel as if my friends are avoiding me. I’m not talking about those who are incredibly busy with work and such and have no time to come over. Even though it wouldn’t hurt them to at least call once in a while. I’m talking about those friends who live next door from me. And they simply do not bother. I know that everyone is going through their own shit. And I respect everyone’s time. And mood. But what kind of friend is that who knows about my situation and does not even answer my emails or messages and their excuse is that they do not know how to communicate with me. “ I sighed deeply and couldn’t stop my voice from showing regret and sadness.

“You know what?” Mihaela said. “You are in the best spot. On top of that there are no coincidences. When I started reiki, I stopped talking to some friends and some others stopped talking to me. But I met many other people that are more like me. It has got to do with the energetic body.”

“I am aware of that. I know that when you frequency and vibrations level up, you begin attracting different people who have similar ideas, thoughts and behavior as you. It’s the law of attraction. “

“That is exactly the point”, Mihaela confirmed me, “and because of that, you have no reason to be sad. And no regrets either. It simply means that these people are no longer needed in your life. “

“That is one hell of a way to get rid of some friends”, I thought to myself.

In any case, any conversation that I have with a therapist at Jiko makes me feel much better. I am still human.

Lonely

Be well,
Cătălina.

To write or Not to write

 The Stoned Philosopher  No Responses »
Jun 252015
 

Dear Readers,

Since I’ve started Reiki at the end of October 2014, all sorts of unusual and unexpected things have been happening to me. I won’t go into details. Not yet. Mostly because it is theory that I don’t completely understand. Not yet. But what I can honestly say is that I had underestimated the power of the energy transmitted during a Reiki session.
There is a bit that is quite important and it is easier to explain. The energy finds the blockages stoked inside my being, which are then surfaced and shown to me so that I become aware of them and of all the wrongs that they are doing. In time, I will describe these episodes into more detail. But yesterday afternoon, something very interesting happened to me and THAT is what I want to write about today.

While on the bus heading to Jiko clinic for my usual Reiki session, I was thinking about all sorts of causes that could block the 5th chakra located in the neck from functioning properly (it is the chakra that deals with communication, creativity, originality, self expression and hearing). For the past 6 weeks I have become aware of the entire energy in my body and not just the one flowing inside my brain, which feels wonderfully. However, everything happening from neck up is killing me. And I have wondered many times what could cause such damage.
But after taking a seat on the bus, unable to look through the window or understand what was happening around me, it dawned on me: for 14 years I’ve wanted to write a book.

On the bus

While on the bus

I am sure many want to write a book. But some do, some don’t. I know how to write a book, except that I’m not in the mood for it. Or I lack inspiration. Or time. Or I have something else better to do. Or I think that what I write is not good enough. Or I think no one would read me. Or I think that even if I write something it won’t be published. Or I believe that writing a book is too hard. Or that it will take me too long to write. But then I begin estimating: if I write 10 pages a day, then at the end of the month I will have 300 pages written down. That is what I can surely call a book. But what if I write 3 pages a day? Then in 6 moths a book of approx. 540 pages will be completed. But what if I write short stories instead? A short story should have around 2500-4000 words. THAT is something that I can write in a day! But writing short stories? Do I even understand what that means? I’d have to think about dozens and dozens of characters and scenarios and episodes and circumstances and situations and histories and only God knows what else I’d have to come up with. It is far too difficult. So I’m going back to the idea of writing a novel. But it looks like it is very popular nowadays to write prequels and sequels and sagas and etc. So what am I supposed to do now? Would I have to continue a story in a second book just for the sake of…what? Money? Or fame? Or…? I donno. But I do want to write a book. But how should I start? The beginning is the most important part of a book. If I don’t manage to make it appealing, then the book is lost right from the word go. Should I get inspiration from my life? Should it be comedy? Tragedy? Fantasy? Psychological? Thriller? Romantic? And what about the characters? Should they be kids? Teenagers? Young adults? Old people? Kings? Queens? Animals? Dragons? Spies? Political matters? I can’t even think straight. Should I write it I Romanian? I like my language but if I want to get published somewhere else, I’d better write it in English. But it’s not my native language! And I don’t know THAT many words. What if I end up sounding repetitive.

But all these thoughts have been my blockages for years. I can obviously call them excuses too. However, yesterday, while in the bus, I became aware of all them. Right away, I felt sharp stings inside my fingers and a powerful energy was discharged from my brain. This is a process that always happens when my being releases and eliminates toxic energy.

Getting off the bus, I told my sister that I have to write a book. But while coming back home and on the bus again I thought once more.

“I forgive myself for not having written this book yet. I won’t make the sole purpose of my life writing this book. If I do manage to write it, then congratulations to myself. If I don’t, then no harm done. I am doing what I can, how I can, when I can. “

My inner self smiled. Somehow I am becoming wiser.

Have a good week,
Cătălina.

I Do Hate Too

 BitterSweet  2 Responses »
Jun 172015
 

Dear Readers,

The things that I’m going to write about today are of such intimacy and privacy to me that I cannot believe myself that I decided to write about them. It was often suggested to me that I should talk to a shrink about them, but I refused. A while back, my sister read me an article which underlined the importance and the benefits of writing about different issues, especially during one’s healing journey.

During Monday’s reiki session, Miss Rodica, the therapist who has been treating me over the last 4 weeks, asked me how I had been. I wasn’t sure what to answer. I didn’t want to let her know the real state of mind I was in. And even if I had told her, I would have burst out crying in front of her. But the therapists at Jiko are not only very good practitioners, but good listeners and advisers as well. Because of that, I decided to be honest and confessed myself to her.

“So, so”, I told Miss Rodica. “I’m going through quite a huge emotional dilemma”.

“What is it about?”

“It is about the person who was the cause of my emotional shock that lead to my stroke”, I continued timidly, while lying on the bed and starting the session.

“Carry on, I’m listening.”

“I was barely able to stop myself from crying while in the bus getting here. But when I got off, I couldn’t keep them inside any longer. At first, I was crying softly and quietly, just drops of tears rolling down my cheeks. But thinking about everything that had happened I realized something very important: I was firmly convinced that I had understood what happened and that I had forgiven, but it’s not like that. I now know that I hate him. I became very aware of the feeling during the 12 minutes walk from the bus station to the clinic. I hate him. It is the only person in the world that I hate”, I confessed, rather relived that I had a chance to talk to someone about my emotional problem.

Miss Rodica gently placed her hands and forehead and tried to comfort me.

“It is a wonderful thing, to become aware of a feeling, even if it is a negative and strong one such as hate. But what it means is that you can heal now. It was about time the feeling and the issue were brought out to light as well”, she answered me wisely.

“I can feel the blockage around the heart. I am becoming more and more aware of all of them.”

She then placed her hands on my heart and chest and kept them there for the rest of the session.

“ It all started because of some money that was stuck on my old AdSense account that was created under his name. They were my earnings from my YouTube videos for November-December 2013. I asked my sister not to release them earlier because I didn’t want him to have them. But I wrote him and let him know that I was going to release them, since I needed them for living expenses and therapy while in Bucharest. He hasn’t answered. We know the money went into the bank account because it is information that can be checked online,” I then stopped telling my story and took a deep breath. The sadness became overwhelming.

“You better change the information so that he won’t get your money any longer”, Miss Rodica advised me.

“That is something my sister did right after I was released from the hospital in December 2013. And he wasn’t answering our emails regarding the same issue back then either. I was a fool because I took his side in defense until the last moment. I have not talked ever since.”

I then felt a grip inside my heart and my hands started shivering, especially on my left side of the body.

“I burst out in tears right in front of the clinic. I stopped walking and let my sister hug me. All this guy needed to do was to come talk to me during that stupid morning on the 1st of November. All he needed to do was to ask me if I were upset. It was as simple as that. And maybe I wouldn’t have been blind and deaf now. ”

“It’s ok. You can cry if you wish to”, Miss Rodica told me and she pressed her hands on my body even more, as if to hug me too.

At the end of the session, I felt somehow better. I now know what to work with and what is causing blockages. Maybe now I can finally close the chapter that Ireland was to me. Even so, I would rather believe that he died than that he is so evil and heartless for choosing to keep this money to himself even when he knows how much I need them. Then again, I’m talking about a person who did not seize to remind me that he doesn’t do guilt.

I made an approximation. My earnings would buy him 200 cups of coffee from Topaz or it would pay him his cable bill for 6 months.

“It looks like some humanity is dead,”
Cătălina.

Ireland

On the Shores of Waterford, Ireland

The Piano Concert

 Slice of Life  No Responses »
Jun 152015
 

Dear Readers,

It’s been exactly 3 months to this day since my good friend T. last allowed me to play his electric piano. Truth be told, it was a onetime only thing, so I haven’t touched any keys ever since. That is mostly because I have no talent.

“I’m not impressed, you are no Beethoven”, T. told me that day.

“I’m sorry, but who are you that I have to impress? I don’t even have to impress myself”, I answered wisely.

“I am the dragon amongst dragons”, he said.

“Oh, dear T., the dragon always gets his ass kicked in fairy tales”, I thought to myself.

Playing the electric piano

“I’m no pianist”, I was told

T. is the one who taught me about inner self, energy and spirituality and I believe he knows that I listened.

In any case, I am sure that the REAL reason that T. has not allowed me to play the piano is because he has no time to do so. We barely see each other once every few weeks. But, my dear friends, this is not even the reason that I’m writing this story today. So I’m going to get there right away.

After losing my hearing, I noticed that music has not been my best friend. I am a huge fan of rock music and now my brain is barely able to stand it. After my and my sister’s short stay at T.’s place last year, I noticed that the natural sound that his small musical instruments made did wonders for my ears. As such, I became very interested in listening to simple music played live, especially piano music. Taking piano classes is out of the question, mostly because of our tight budget. And … boy, they are expensive!

But going through all sorts of events taking place in Bucharest last week, the Big Red-Haired Fox found a piano concert which was to be held at the Romanian Athenaeum on the 9th of June, Tuesday, 19.00. We agreed to go, so she made reservations for the two of us. We were supposed to get there at 18.00 to get our tickets.That day we both dressed accordingly, with pretty, girly dresses and went to our reiki sessions. After which we took the bus and headed to the Athenaeum. We thought that the bus that we took was going to stop near the Faculty of Law. My sister and I were firmly convinced that the Athenaeum was 5 minutes away from it.

“What a beautiful building that is”, I thought, “and my sister is going to see it from the inside now. How lucky she is!”

You see, Dear Friends, I am a real sucker for architecture, especially if it is old. In any case, the 5 minutes walk took us forever. At some point we even crossed a street that I did not remember being there.

“What the hell is going on”, I started wondering.

Ana told me then that the bus turned right at some point and it did not go ahead, as we thought. So we had to get off somewhere else. In the end, we finally got to the Athenaeum.

“Take a seat here”, my sister told me. “I think I made a mistake”, she said worryingly.

“What’s up?” I asked already stressed out.

“I believe this is not the Athenaeum. I don’t see any name written anywhere”, she continued. Her voice sounded very frustrated. “I think this is the National Opera”.

I sighed deeply. At first, I became upset that my sister did not look for the address properly. But it only lasted a few seconds. I was firmly convinced myself that THAT was the Athenaeum as well. For years I have thought so. That’s why I couldn’t be upset with her for thinking the same.

“How could I have made such a mistake? I always look for the address beforehand”, I heard my sister muttering to herself.

She checked for the address and found that the Athenaeum was somewhere near the center of Bucharest. We agreed to take a cab, since we were running very late and had already lost our reservations. But do you think we got lucky? Of course, we didn’t. We were at a crossroad and there was no available cab anywhere. For a while, I felt as if I was in the desert searching for greenery and water, except I was in the jungle of concrete that Bucharest really is. Ana called three cab companies, but, yet again, there was no available cab.

“This can’t be happening”, I said. I was tired and disappointed and hungry and frustrated and stressed and overheated and … I’m sure you get the point. My body did not want to move anymore and somehow became locked.

“Listen to what your body is telling you”, I could hear my inner voice saying. “You are tired, do not force yourself”.

But, at first, I ignored my inner voice, since I really wanted to listen to piano music that evening. We took another bus and got off at University Square, in order to get to the Romanian Athenaeum, which was at a 10 minutes’ walk away from there. We still had time. But when I turned my body to move to that direction, I felt a pain like a grip inside my stomach and I knew right away that something wasn’t right.

“Ana, I want to go home.”

So we did. We took the bus and after 50 minutes we were home, at Costin Georgian subway station.

Interestingly enough, I was not upset that we missed the concert, but felt rather relived that I was at home, getting rest. There had been times when I felt more frustrated for a lot less, such as spilling water all over my clothes or something. Maybe I am getting wiser.

At home, sis checked to see if there would be other concerts and found another piano session taking place in a smaller hall room at the Athenaeum next Tuesday; she again reserved two seats.

“Next time we will know exactly what to do and where to go”, we both said in agreement.

But a quarter of hour later, looking for more events held in Bucharest, she found something absolutely interesting: a 10 days music film festival, including jazz music, piano, orchestra, violin, flute, opera, etc. taking place in the square outside the Romanian Athenaeum, between the 19th and the 29th , of June with free entrance.

“Ana, do you see how the Universe is taking care of us!?” I said in awe. “It did not allow us to spend 20 bucks on tickets and is giving us 10 days of free music instead.”

Can’t feel anything else but grateful. I’m looking forward to these concerts.

Happy day,
Cătălina.