I Do Hate Too

Dear Readers,

The things that I’m going to write about today are of such intimacy and privacy to me that I cannot believe myself that I decided to write about them. It was often suggested to me that I should talk to a shrink about them, but I refused. A while back, my sister read me an article which underlined the importance and the benefits of writing about different issues, especially during one’s healing journey.

During Monday’s reiki session, Miss Rodica, the therapist who has been treating me over the last 4 weeks, asked me how I had been. I wasn’t sure what to answer. I didn’t want to let her know the real state of mind I was in. And even if I had told her, I would have burst out crying in front of her. But the therapists at Jiko are not only very good practitioners, but good listeners and advisers as well. Because of that, I decided to be honest and confessed myself to her.

“So, so”, I told Miss Rodica. “I’m going through quite a huge emotional dilemma”.

“What is it about?”

“It is about the person who was the cause of my emotional shock that lead to my stroke”, I continued timidly, while lying on the bed and starting the session.

“Carry on, I’m listening.”

“I was barely able to stop myself from crying while in the bus getting here. But when I got off, I couldn’t keep them inside any longer. At first, I was crying softly and quietly, just drops of tears rolling down my cheeks. But thinking about everything that had happened I realized something very important: I was firmly convinced that I had understood what happened and that I had forgiven, but it’s not like that. I now know that I hate him. I became very aware of the feeling during the 12 minutes walk from the bus station to the clinic. I hate him. It is the only person in the world that I hate”, I confessed, rather relived that I had a chance to talk to someone about my emotional problem.

Miss Rodica gently placed her hands and forehead and tried to comfort me.

“It is a wonderful thing, to become aware of a feeling, even if it is a negative and strong one such as hate. But what it means is that you can heal now. It was about time the feeling and the issue were brought out to light as well”, she answered me wisely.

“I can feel the blockage around the heart. I am becoming more and more aware of all of them.”

She then placed her hands on my heart and chest and kept them there for the rest of the session.

“ It all started because of some money that was stuck on my old AdSense account that was created under his name. They were my earnings from my YouTube videos for November-December 2013. I asked my sister not to release them earlier because I didn’t want him to have them. But I wrote him and let him know that I was going to release them, since I needed them for living expenses and therapy while in Bucharest. He hasn’t answered. We know the money went into the bank account because it is information that can be checked online,” I then stopped telling my story and took a deep breath. The sadness became overwhelming.

“You better change the information so that he won’t get your money any longer”, Miss Rodica advised me.

“That is something my sister did right after I was released from the hospital in December 2013. And he wasn’t answering our emails regarding the same issue back then either. I was a fool because I took his side in defense until the last moment. I have not talked ever since.”

I then felt a grip inside my heart and my hands started shivering, especially on my left side of the body.

“I burst out in tears right in front of the clinic. I stopped walking and let my sister hug me. All this guy needed to do was to come talk to me during that stupid morning on the 1st of November. All he needed to do was to ask me if I were upset. It was as simple as that. And maybe I wouldn’t have been blind and deaf now. ”

“It’s ok. You can cry if you wish to”, Miss Rodica told me and she pressed her hands on my body even more, as if to hug me too.

At the end of the session, I felt somehow better. I now know what to work with and what is causing blockages. Maybe now I can finally close the chapter that Ireland was to me. Even so, I would rather believe that he died than that he is so evil and heartless for choosing to keep this money to himself even when he knows how much I need them. Then again, I’m talking about a person who did not seize to remind me that he doesn’t do guilt.

I made an approximation. My earnings would buy him 200 cups of coffee from Topaz or it would pay him his cable bill for 6 months.

“It looks like some humanity is dead,”
Cătălina.