Dec 222014

Dear Readers,

Ever since my brain was damaged, I became very interested in how this “pretty” organ works and how mine is working, in particular. In nearly all articles that were read to me, the brain is often compared to a computer and unanimously described as an electric network. If this is the case, everyone of us owns a very powerful computer without even knowing. All sorts of associations between my damaged brain and a computer/ an OS come to mind.

If my brain is a computer, then I’m functioning on a Pentium 1 Processor, with 126 MB RAM, with no graphic card and broken sound card. The default OS is Windows 98.

If my eyes are the monitor, then I have the plainest and most boring screensaver in the world.

My screensaver is so boring, that I don’t have to count sheep during the night to fall asleep.

When suggested by someone to move the mouse to change the screensaver, I said “Pointless, when every pixel on the monitor is dead.”

My monitor has been on saving power for so long, that I reduced the electricity bill down to half.

My OS is sending so many bug reports, that the technicians had to abort the project. Even the guys from NASA felt overwhelmed.

My sound card is so broken, that it keeps buffering once every 5 words.

Since I’m not downloading visual information anymore, I do not need a fast broadband connection either. I’m working through dial-up connection. I don’t need more then 100kb/s upload and download speed. Just as much, I’m saving a lot of money, since I’m not buying external hard-drives to store images and videos.

My hearing is so bad, that the voice recognition program SIRI keeps asking “Did you mean to say…?” five times in a row.

My privacy settings are so weak, that everything was left on public display.

My antivirus is on such high alert, that every time I feel something new on my skin it sends me “ding” alerts to warn me that something potentially dangerous is happening.

My wires are so tight and twisted, that it’s taking the IT guys months to unravel the thousands of kilometers/miles of cables.

And since I’m talking about wires, they get so overheated sometimes that they produce sparks.

My core temp is so high, that I don’t need to wear socks in winter, except when I go outside. It’s the only time the processor is cooling down.

I run a very small number of programs simultaneously, hence the CPU usage is down to minimum.

If my brain is a computer, than where do I place the mouse over?! On my chest, of course.

My handwriting is so unique, that they didn’t invent a font for it yet. If they did, they would name it “I don’t know what the heck I am writing here?!”

My OS has been down for maintenance for so long, that it may get a Guinness record for the slowest OS in the world, or a Rotten Tomato trophy.

I don’t need to use a keyboard any longer. Thank you world for inventing the touch screen.

There is so much electricity running inside my network, that I could power a school or a hospital for that matter.

The above named electric network sends me such powerful shocks, that I feel like a burglar being zipped with a stun gun by the victim.

My computer programs give me so little options and resources, that I feel I’ve been on free trial since forever. Any existing plugins are incompatible anyway.

It’s taking my computer so long to restart, that it gives me enough time to take a shower, go to the market, prepare a meal and have a snooze in the afternoon.

If I ever get the latest versions of these programs, the updating process would more than likely be indefinite.

My computer is ecological: it doesn’t need to be plugged in a socket. My computer runs through solar and wind mill power.

My computer is so surprising, that when it is being dusted off, the IT guys exclaim in awe: “This one is alive!”

Yeah, that’s about it.

The post might be updated one day.

Happy preparing for holidays guys, I’m logging off,

Replica of Zuse Z3, the first fully automated analog computer

Replica of Zuse Z3, the first fully automated analog computer

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