Etichetă: blindness

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If only…then maybe…

Dear Readers,

If there is a thing that I am absolutely sure it will help me get my sight back and that is if I go back to Waterford, Ireland, the place that I lived for 5 months before the stroke that I suffered in November 2013. I thought about this many times, over and over again. What is that thing that I need that could truly help me ? And every time I think about it I get to this point.

I loved Ireland and I left Ireland too abruptly. And I honestly mean it when I say I loved the city I lived in. So many times I found myself bursting out in tears during my long walks on the narrow streets in Waterford, while looking at the buildings, the town houses, terrace houses, gardens, shops and people. I did not want to live it and I left it way too soon. Even after all this time since I left, I still feel myself in a huge percentage in shock about the idea that I left. The weirdest part is that I wasn’t even happy there, not with the person I was in a relationship with. However, even if that part was so difficult to bear back then, I truly and sincerely loved Ireland. read more

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The beginning is the end is the end is the beginning

Anonymous_Face_Mask_Catalina_Stan

Dear Readers,

It has been quite a long time since I last wrote something. This is the phrase that nearly all my posts start with. I apologize. I am taking back a few of the promises that I made during the last 2 years. Such as „I promise I will write more often”, „I promise I’ll make more videos.”, „I promise I’ll keep you guys updated.” I wasn’t able to keep any of them. And I excuse myself for what it looks like a lack of interest. I’m not lacking anything. It is just that I was not expecting many of the things that happened to me over the last 2 years to happen in the first place. And I do not mean the stroke that I suffered. I’m talking about a lot of the things that happened after the stroke. read more

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I am in The Best Spot

Lonely

Dear Readers,

Today, at Jiko, I had quite a nice session with Mihaela, which followed another one that was by far the longest and most intense session so far. This happened yesterday and it lasted approx 2 h and 15 minutes altogether. She and I had a very nice conversation about life, consciousness, spirit and all sorts of other things.

“Why is it that you feel the need to tell me about the things that you are going through?”, she asked me.

“Let’s not forget I’m still human”, I said. “On different occasions, I’m still led by emotions. I have not found the power to control them yet. I mean…to be emotionless, that is. For example, the feelings of loneliness and abandonment were so overwhelming about a month, that I skipped two weeks of sessions and ran back home where at least I had the company of Pufi the Yorkie.” read more

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„My Body is a Cage”

Le me and Derpina, my body is a cage
Le me and Derpina, my body is a cage

Dear Readers,

It’s been 18 months since I lost my sight completely. Ever since this event happened my perception of things has changed. I’m mostly talking about the perception given by visual images.

I don’t remember how I look like anymore. At times, I have flashes of images of myself, but if I were to describe myself now, I would not be able to. There are moments when I place my hands on my body, but even if I know it is there, I can’t describe it or even imagine it. Ok… This is my right leg. It’s short. There is no hair. I removed it this morning. I’m going up. This is a belly. It is very much reduced, but there is some of it left, though. I’m going up, but I will obviously avoid describing the perception that I have of my upper body parts. However, on numerous occasions my hands rest perfectly right there. But let me move on to the face. I have a pair of lips. There is a disgusting zit bellow the lower lip on the left. . But I get a zit or two once every few months, so it’s ok. Otherwise, I don’t feel anything else weird on my face. Does that mean it is healthy? I’m pinching my nose. I can’t describe its shape. I do remember that I have a small nose, though. There is a pair of eyes too. Their color and the length of my eyelashes are absolutely useless things now. But what about my hair? I have always hated having bangs. Yet, that’s how I’ve been wearing my hair for the past months. A lot of random body parts. So I’ll try to put them all together. Sorry, I still am unable to picture myself. read more

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I Had A Stroke At 26 – part 4

Victory Sign catalinastan.com

Dear Readers,

Welcome back for the last part of my story. If you were unable to read the previous parts here are the links: part 1, part 2 and part 3.

My last post ended with me being on an ambulance heading back to my hometown. Unfortunately for me I wasn’t sent to my home, like I had hoped, but, instead I was taken to the hospital to continue the treatment and to run more tests. It was a huge disappointment being back in the hospital, but then I thought that it would be easier because I would have the support of all of my family. Sadly, it didn’t become easier at all, I felt only disgust. I could not believe the difference between the person I was two months before the accident and the person I had become in the hospital. read more

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I Had A Stroke At 26 – part 3

Intensive Care catalinastan.com

Dear Reader,

The 3rd part of the story of how I became unable to see and hear is finally here. Here are the 1st and 2nd parts of the story, in case you missed the previous posts, so you can have a better understanding of what happened.

It is becoming harder and harder to talk about this events and it is breaking my heart into more thousands of pieces just by thinking of them. But I started it, so I have to finish it.

In my previous post I said that I was yet again moved to another hospital: The National Institute of Cerebral Vascular Diseases. For the love of God, I didn’t understand why I had to be moved again! I thought that the treatment was going well and I finally started feeling a little safer and comfortable. While there, I remember saying:”But I can see myself in the mirror!”. I was faintly able to recognize myself in the mirror, I could see my mother’s blurred face. Right now, I would give anything to have even a quarter of what I could see back then. But my brain doesn’t want to give even 1% back. It is unbelievable and incredibly painful to lose so much in such a short time. read more

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I had a stroke at 26 – part 2

Pinned to the Bed catalinastan.com

Dear Reader,

Thank you for coming back to read my story. If you are new here you should refer to part 1. Let’s continue with the story.

Last time I said that I had to see a specialist in infectious diseases. We were referred to The Hospital Of Infectiuos and Tropical Diseases „Victor Babes”, and a neurosurgeon at the Bagdasar-Arseni Emergency Hospital in the capital, Bucharest. Me and my parents arrived there on the 27th of November. Firstly, we went to see the neurosurgeon. He looked through my files and asked for the MRI scans. However, we didn’t have any because weren’t given anything of the sort when I was discharged. There was only the review made by the radiologist. He immediately lost interest in my case and his attitude expressed that I was wasting his time and that he was in a hurry as he was scheduled for a surgery. He basically kicked us out of the door. read more

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I Had A Stroke at 26 – part 1

Braila Emergency Hospital catalinastan.com

Dear Readers,

It has been quite a while since my last post (100 days to be exact).I apologize for that, but I think I was waiting for something good to happen to report back to you. Many times I said I wasn’t ready to talk about what had happened to me, but I think it’s about time I shared my story to the world. My family has continuously searched for cases similar to mine. But they couldn’t find anything, because what has happened to me is something very rare and there isn’t much data. read more

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To begin with…I’m scared.

Demotivaters Things To Do Today Catalina Stan

Dear reader,

It’s been 100 days since my life has been turned upside down. Some people have children and all their lives revolve around them. Some people get new jobs, new girlfriends or boyfriends. Some people even win the lottery. But instead of dreams, some people have their nightmares come true. I dreamed of all sorts of possible scenarios where I would get a terrible illness or I would loose a limb, but the worst of these nightmares became true. I WAS CUT OUT OF THE WORLD BY LOOSING THE ABILITY TO SEE AND HEAR. read more

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