Dear reader,
It’s been 100 days since my life has been turned upside down. Some people have children and all their lives revolve around them. Some people get new jobs, new girlfriends or boyfriends. Some people even win the lottery. But instead of dreams, some people have their nightmares come true. I dreamed of all sorts of possible scenarios where I would get a terrible illness or I would loose a limb, but the worst of these nightmares became true. I WAS CUT OUT OF THE WORLD BY LOOSING THE ABILITY TO SEE AND HEAR.
I’ve said it before. How I’ve lost these senses I’m not yet ready to talk about it. But it feels like I’m in a horror movie that has been running for three months now. It feels like life has done worse than just slap me in the face, like it had done many times before. This time, it feels like life pushed me from the tenth floor and, while I would fall and smash my face into the ground, life would laugh at me and tell me “There you have it! “.
Do I sound overwhelmingly sad? I suppose I have a good reason to do so. I was told many times that this is not permanent. That I need to have just a little bit more patience. That I need to hope and pray and it will happen. I will see and hear again. I have not lost hope yet. I take my medicine, I keep my daily diet. But every time I wake up, all I see is darkness. So…I am scared. Terrified, actually. So scared that I’m barely able to stop myself from bursting into tears.
I was talking about dreams earlier. I was supposed to travel around the world, live six months in London, see Japan and India, go to the Rio de Janeiro Carnival. Take thousands of photos. Meet Benedict Cumberbatch. Meet THE ONE (You know…the one that I will spend the rest of my life with). Learn how to knit. Teach the world how to crochet. See myself becoming grey and old. I was supposed to do many great things. A few of you will tell me that these things might still happen. It doesn’t mean that I’m still not scared. What if black is all I will ever see? What if all I’ll ever hear are these horrible, strange noises in my head. What if my second nightmare comes true too? I’m scared that I’ll become useless and a burden. Feeling like a burden has been something I’ve always hated. It is the reason I wanted to become independent, I left home, got a job, tried to do everything on my own, and never asked for real help. I’m scared that I’ll never be able to cross the street alone again. Actually, I’m scared I’ll never be able to go out the front door on my own again. I’m scared I’ll never have a reason to smile again.
I’m trying to convince myself that the greatness in doing things does not rely in being able to see and hear. I can still be an example, change a few minds, teach people a few things, I can still do other extraordinary things. This is not the end. It’s only a turning point. But this is a topic for another time, as I don’t want to reveal too much.
I will still feel sorry for myself for a while longer, I am allowed some time to heal. But, with the few abilities that I have left, I hope to try the impossible and do… great things.
Be good,
Catalina.
2 Responses to “To begin with…I’m scared.”
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Hi Catalina,
I have been with you since the beginning of your YouTube videos and have always thought you were the best instructor out there and that your command of the English language is phenomenal! I’ve followed your videos since you became ill as well and you are always in my prayers. But I didn’t know about your Blog until yesterday and I’ve now read everyone of them. You are a fantastic writer, you should write a book about what all you have been through. Whatever you do, don’t give up, I just know you will get better and God has a plan for you, He has brought you back together with your Family and that was a miracle in itself. You will have many more good things to come. I still watch your crochet videos over and over and have learned so much from you. Take care and know you have lots of fans here in the USA>
Catalina feels a lot of joy when she receives comments like the ones you wrote to her. It makes her happy to know that her work is being appreciated. She is still fighting, with every means available to her at the moment. She has lots of ideas about crocheting, writing and all sorts of other things. We are trying to bring them to life however we can. I am glad you like her writing, this will encourage her to come up with more stories. Thank you.